


i'd live for you, and that's hard to do

by babykanima



Series: ride [3]
Category: Mad Max Series (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 11:47:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3976906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babykanima/pseuds/babykanima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You’re only fourteen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'd live for you, and that's hard to do

**Author's Note:**

> seriously, this took me like half an hour omg i'm so sorry this is bad.
> 
> come and [ visit me ](http://lynchcycle.tumblr.com/)

You’re only fourteen.

That’s not so bad, really. You were only twelve when you were brought here, to the above place and it’s been two whole years already. Time moves quickly.

You don’t remember a lot from before, if you’re honest. You know you had parents and that they probably loved you (they didn’t sell you like Dag was sold so they must’ve loved you, right?) but you’re not like Capable who talks of her brothers so casually or even Toast who would snap that _this never would have happened if she’d just been more careful with who she trusted._

You don’t remember where you lived or how many people you lived with and you don’t know if there were songs sung to you by a sweet woman with a sweet voice. You don’t remember being lifted and twirled by your father so it must not have happened.

You do remember starvation and thirst though. You remember the pain of skin blistered from the sun in the day and then frozen from the wind at night. You remember your feet bleeding from walking without shoes for so long and you remember the ache of the bones in your back after carrying your belongings with you everywhere.

They bring you in and call you frail and wait for you to break and you want to tell them you were already broken before you got here. 

You don’t though. You don’t really say much at all.

* * *

You don’t like your husband.

It’s a long time before he touches you more than a hand upon your knee or a swipe of his thumb across your lips and you think a lot of that has to do with Splendid. She never leaves you alone with him, always pulls him to her bed or puts his hands on her belly to distract him and you love her for it. You’ve seen the others after what he does to them and _you’re not ready._

Capable is sweet and kind and Dag is your favourite.

You don’t like Toast, not really.

You don’t _not_ like her either, though.

She’s mean to you sometimes, when you don’t move quick enough or when you have something she wants. You think maybe she’s just in a rush and wants things as soon as she can and doesn’t have time for slow people. You think you must be a slow person to her.

Sometimes she can be nice, though.  She gives you the food she doesn’t eat and makes sure you have enough blankets at night, going so far as to complain to Joe on your behalf after she saw you shivering once.

She doesn’t hit you, either. Even when she looks like she wants to.

So when you compare her to the others, she’s not your favourite. But you don’t hate her because she’s not your husband.

You only hate your husband.

* * *

You bleed for the first time and cry because _this is it._

Splendid sees it because your back is to her when you stand up and she gasps out loud before clenching her jaw tightly. You turn to her and Capable gasps too.

“What is it?” You ask, panicked.

They don’t answer, “Tell me!”

Toast is the one who does, “You’re bleeding.” Matter-of-factly.

At first, you’re confused. They’d told you that when girls bleed it means they’re a woman but you’re not—you’re only _fourteen_. You’re not a woman yet.

Then you get it.

You’re a woman.

You can have babies.

“ _No_.”

Your hands slip between your legs and there it is, slick, red and horrifying; it’s too much blood, this can’t be normal, right?

“ _No_!” You cry, squeezing your legs together tightly in an attempt to stem the blood. You want it to _stop_.

“We need to hide it.” Dag says quietly as she backs away from you and you’re _actually_ crying now, big fat tears because you don’t want her to back away from you like you’re some kind of monster.

“How could we hide it?”

“We can’t.” Splendid says, “He’d find out.”

 And that’s that.

Splendid is never wrong.

* * *

The first time he has sex with you it _hurts_.

Your hands are held down, both of your tiny wrists in one of his big hands, and you don’t fight back (“That’s good.” Capable soothes you, “It hurts more when you fight, it makes him mad.” She kisses your forehead, “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. You did good.”) because you’re frozen by the _pain_ of it.

He makes himself fit.

He makes room for himself in your body and the only thing you can do is sob and breathe.

You want to die but your body keeps breathing.

You hate your body.

“My pretty thing.” He wheezes at you and you squeeze your eyes shut tight.

* * *

“We are not things.” Splendid says.

Your body feels broken as you all wait to see if you’re pregnant. It’s been a week and you haven’t left your bed but Capable promised if you’re pregnant he won’t touch you in fear of killing the baby.

You hate yourself for wanting his baby but you do, oh god you do because you can’t stand him touching you ever again.

“We are not things.” She says again, a satisfied smile on her face.

You close your eyes and more tears slip out; you certainly feel like a thing.

* * *

The outside is scary.

The outside has always been scary to you, ever since you were a little girl. You don’t remember your parents but you remember you always had to cover your face, your hair, your legs, like a mummy of the old days, because you were too _good_. Good things don't last long in this world.  
  
The inside is better that way sometimes, you think. It's simple and easy and precise and as soon as you step foot outside your prison you wish you could go back.

You think your husband would forgive you if you came back to him.

You don’t want to go back but you’re _scared_. You’re scared and you _know_ how mad he gets, they all do so why did they do this? Why risk it? He’s going to be so angry when he catches you all and then he’ll force himself onto you again and again and—

You want to go back.

You don’t want to go back.

You just want to stop being hurt.

* * *

Dag named you.

You came with the name Cheedo but she named you ’fragile’ and it fits. It does. You’re the smallest and the youngest and you bruise so easily even though your skin is nearly the darkest of them all. Sometimes you wonder how you made it on the outside when so many people who are stronger than you didn’t.

It’s not until you’re helping Furiosa save you all that you begin to realise just because you’re physically fragile, doesn’t mean you’re _weak_.

You help kill your husband and feel for the first time that your name is wrong.

* * *

The Citadel feels haunted when you arrive back.

Splendid’s ghost walks with you and Joe’s presence makes you flinch at shadows and War Boys alike because you’re a woman now and you remember what that means for you. Furiosa’s wrong; just because your husbands gone, doesn’t mean you can’t still have babies or get fucked.

At night, Dag wraps her long limbs around you as you cry for the mother and father you wish you could remember and the innocence you wish you could have back. She shushes you softly, absentmindedly like she doesn't even know she's doing it. Capable is the one born to be a mother but you think to yourself, secretly because it feels like a betrayal, that Dag might be pretty good at it too one day.

“Do you ever think things’ll get better?” You ask.

She's silent for a long time before, “Sure.” She tells you. “I have seeds now, remember?”


End file.
